Man seeks advice on why dates end after the first night

Leonard, a 46-year-old man, has written to a columnist for advice on his romantic life. He describes a pattern in which he successfully arranges first dates but rarely receives an invitation for a second one. He seeks an explanation for this recurring outcome despite his perceived efforts.

Leonard works for a reputable company and earns a high salary. He uses this income to travel, rent a spacious apartment in the city center, and save money. He states that he is frugal and spends on necessities only. He believes his financial discipline is an asset in his personal life.

He describes his physical appearance and habits as well maintained. He says he is attractive and well groomed. He exercises regularly at a gym and dresses well. He applies expensive cologne before leaving his house. He believes these factors should make him appealing to potential partners.

During his dates, Leonard says he takes his companions to nice local restaurants. He opens up about his childhood and his personal growth. He shares his dreams and expectations for the future. He notes that he often carries the conversation. Despite these efforts, the relationships typically end after the first meeting.

Leonard feels isolated by his situation. He has used several dating services and reports that his friends are no longer interested in spending time with him. He describes his current state as emotionally depleted and monetarily deficient. He is considering a reclusive lifestyle if he does not find a solution. He refers to the columnist as his final hope before giving up.

His doctor, identified in the letter as Dr. Hirsh, recommended the consultation. Dr. Hirsh observed a sad demeanor during a routine visit and suggested the columnist could help. Leonard initially hesitated because he is not Jewish, but Dr. Hirsh told him the issue is social rather than religious. Leonard is now asking the columnist to solve his problem in the same way she solved Dr. Hirsh's years ago.

The columnist replies by first addressing Dr. Hirsh. She recalls helping him find a partner and notes that his mother threatened to jump off a bridge if he did not find one. She believes the mother was the true catalyst for his success. She then turns to Leonard and says his problem is not related to religion, race, or redemption.

The columnist argues that Leonard has created barriers to seeing others as he sees himself. She states that a date involves two people meeting for the first time. She advises the man to learn about the woman's interests and preferences. This approach allows for a natural exchange of questions and answers. It helps both parties determine compatibility before deciding on a second meeting.

She identifies a major issue in Leonard's letter: a focus on himself. She says he must put his date first. He should prioritize her expectations, wants, and dreams over his own. She describes this as a courtesy that shows respect. She suggests this shift in behavior may lead to a desire for a second or third date. She ends by asking Leonard not to tell Dr. Hirsh's mother about her advice.